I would first like to apologize for my long absence. It was brought to my attention today that there are a few readers out there who actually tune into my wit and wisdom regularly and that I might be letting those readers down by ignoring my blog. So, here I am, hoping to find my groove once again.
All in all, it has been a pretty tough week for me. I wasn't feeling well physically but more importantly I was not myself mentally or emotionally.
It all started with a major meltdown while at dinner with my sister and her family on Monday night. As I sat at our favorite restaurant trying to decide between a chicken sandwich and the chicken tender platter I started crying. Completely out of left field, no lead up, no emotional breakdown, just a steady flow of tears on my laminated menu.
Unable to explain my emotional response to deep fried, breaded chicken, I forced my emotions back into the tightly sealed box I usually hide them in and went on to have dinner with the family. I didn't even give in to the tears when I realized that nearly every television in the place was broadcasting the New York Mets.
For those of you who don't know- the Mets were Dad's favorite baseball team and we spent many hours watching games in my youth.
Thinking all I needed was a good night's sleep, I went to bed early that night only to spend hour after hour tossing and turning plagued by nightmares of people I love being hurt or worse. It wasn't my best night.
The rest of this week was much of the same- sleepless nights plagued by dreams that would make great horror novels and days without energy, way too much emotion and several crying breakdowns. I did what needed doing but lets just say I am way behind on the damned laundry again.
I did however indulge in several hours of Ty Pennington and his home make over program. Each time I watched a heart wrenching episode I would cry my eyes out and tell myself it was because of the show.
Last week, my cousin started a blog in which she is telling a story of her own about her struggle to find her way in a medical situation that is laden with legalities and severe trauma to her health. I am so proud of her for taking back the control of her life by telling her story and I hope she continues to explore writing as an outlet for her emotions and a means of reaching others who also struggle with life altering circumstances out of their control the way that she does. In her third entry she mentioned me as her inspiration for writing because she sees me as being a strong woman not afraid to share my stories. I was so flattered and so thankful that anything at all that I have to say might help even one person.
And then I started to cry again.
I really didn't feel like the emotionally strong woman that she believed me to be this week while I was crying over chicken tenders and television reruns.
In fact, I was pretty much convinced that I was out of things to say and for someone who likes to talk as much as I do this was pretty unbelievable.
I began to think I was a big fake and that ultimately I was going to let my cousin down when she saw the "real" me.
Like I said it has been a pretty tough week for me.
Miracle of all miracles I actually slept six solid hours last night with absolutely no nightmares. Refreshed and feeling like myself once again, I realized I still have plenty to say!
Every day is a challenge for me- not just balancing a family of four on two meager civil service paychecks to trying to be the best mother and wife I can but to try and accept and love myself for who I am. Some days I look in the mirror and smile and admire my long hair or my green eyes. Other days I stand there and scowl and wish I hadn't looked. I want more of the first kind of days. I want to always like what I see and be satisfied with who I am. I want the confidence of my baby sister and the relaxed, self acceptance that my husband has always had.
I don't really know what happened to me this week. Maybe I had a few hormones out of whack or my brain went on hiatus, I don't really know. I am just glad that it is over.
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