It is so hot here today that it I am amazed that my home has not spontaneously combusted under the intensity of the southern sun. At six in the morning we were at a balmy 80 degrees so I set the air conditioner for icy cold, covered the upstairs windows with blankets to black out the sun and waited for the heat wave to settle in over us.
A couple of hours later I cranked the air conditioner in the car and met my sister for a quick wedding dress fitting. Five of us (and two car seats!) crammed into my little Ford Focus and set out for North Carolina when my amazing seamstress friend lives and where our repsective dresses are being altered. It was hot but not too bad at that point. A quick stop at the pediatrician for a case of swimmers' ear and a middle ear infection in my oldest boy and a longer stop at Wal Mart for antibiotics led us into the hottest part of the day. I am so grateful for two zone air conditioning right now!
Of course, since the heat wave is currently settled over most of the nation, I suppose I don't really need to tell many of you how hot it is here. From what I understand, you all are suffering as much as we are!
So, like most of you probably are, we are bunkered down inside a dark house waiting for the jet stream to shift and give us a little relief.
I have spent more hours in the past few days than I like to think about watching reruns of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Aside from my infatuation with Ty Pennington, the show really gets to me. The families that are protrayed have been through some unbelievable stuff. My family has been through incredible things as well but let me tell you, that as bad as things got, there is and was always someone out there who is worse off.
Lately I have been feeling that familiar sadness over not being able to have a daughter. I go through the usual gamut of emotion anger, sadness, frustration and finally resignation and wonder why it is that I have gone through what I have when there are people out there who don't even want the babies they are blessed with. A couple of weeks ago, a teenager in a nearby city gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby that she promptly stabbed to death and hid in a closet. My husband was told by a woman on a call he responded to recently that if he could take all her kids, she didn't want any of them. A couple of months ago a couple was found to have a six year old daughter locked in a makeshift cage fashioned from her crib and a piece of plywood nailed to the top. She was starving and covered in feces.
People throwing away babies in the trash, giving them away without a thought and caging them like animals.
What exactly is this world coming to?
I would give anything to have each of those six babies lost to me over the years. Each one of them was a child that my husband and I will never see grow and flourish as human beings and individuals. My heart cries for them constantly yet so many children go unloved in this world every day.
We have given alot of thought to adoption. I would take in a dozen children if I could- if the system would let me. Have you ever "priced" the "cost" of adoption? International adoptions can run as high as twenty or thirty thousand dollars and domestic adoptions are pretty close to that as well. Not to mention the fact that we are not wealthy people and apparently love and caring and support don't mean quite as much as a hefty paycheck.
I struggle regularly with the decisions I have made in my life and I wonder sometimes if I made all the right choices. I could be a wealthy pediatric oncologist, saving lives every day or a revered forensic scientist putting killers and other violent offenders in prison. Instead I pick through people's trash in search of hidden treasures, I teach high schoolers the one science (chemistry) that NO ONE ever wants to learn and I move from paycheck to paycheck hoping to be able to put a little bit away each pay period for a new pool.
Am I giving my children the best possible start in life or am I shortchanging them?
I question constantly whether I am a good mother or a decent wife or an effective teacher.
Today at Wal Mart I met up with an old student. He was actually a young man that was in my very first block of my very first semester of my very first year at the school I work for. I just completed my sixth year there so that means he is about to become a senior in college. He told me that he is only one year away from becoming an English teacher. He was so proud of himself when he shared this news with me that I could help but share in his excitement. I realized later that it is these little things that make me realize that at least that decision- to become a teacher- was a good one.
that you are thinking so deeply about these things means you are doing good work in all areas of your life--mother, wife, teacher. that your former student is becoming a teacher is just more proof.
ReplyDeletethere are terrible things happening in the world--all we can control is our own little corner of it, and even that is pretty hard to do. enjoy your summer, your family, and the coming break from the heat wave!