In eleven years of marriage, this is the first time that my husband and I have slept in different states. He is currently up in New England to see his ailing mother and help his father cope with the stresses that come with terminal illness in a loved one. He has only been gone thirty six hours but it feels like forever.
My reaction to his absence surprised me greatly. We spend more time sleeping apart than we do together because of our opposite shifts. So, why it should bother me to be alone at night is odd to me. Of course, when he is at work, he is only a short drive away so he may not be home but he could get home relatively quickly. Now, though he is a ten hour car trip, an eleven hour train ride and a four hour flight from us. Psychologically that feels like the universe to me.
Now, I have always considered myself perfectly capable of getting by on my own. I never felt like I "needed" a man to get along in this world. In his absence I have powerwashed my house, painted dozens of walls, cut acres of grass and done just about everything else. So, why, when he is tending to such important things do I still feel so lonely? It's the strangest concept and I am having real difficulty making sense of it.
To pass some time this evening, I finally picked up the guitar he brought home for me last month. The boys and I stopped at a music store today and I picked up a beginner's book and a guitar pick. In part I think I did it because I miss my husband and playing with the instrument would somehow make me feel closer to him. Either way, it was about time I began to learn to play it.
For many years I played the violin so I can read music and I understand the mechanics of sheet music. This turns out to be a real plus because I was able to focus on the notes instead of learning to read the notes. After two hours of play and practice I have now mastered "Ode to Joy" and "Skip to My Lou." It is only a matter of time before this rock star goes on tour!
I had forgotten how relaxing it could be to play music. Once I figured out the strings and the first few notes I felt comfortable and began to really enjoy the actual music coming out from the strings plucked by my own fingers.
Of course, I now have a blister forming on my finger from pressing too hard against the strings but I feel accomplished. And for a couple of hours I lost the lonely feeling at my husband's absence and the worry for my mother in law and just focused all of my energies on something that seems to have been quite therapeutic.
For so long now, I have been so completely consumed with the rigors of everyday life that I forgot what it felt like to just piddle away a couple of hours; in this case picking out simple tunes on a cheap guitar. Right beside me sat a basket full of laundry needing folding and in the kitchen dirty dishes still cluttered the sink. But you know what? They were still sitting there when I was done. The world did not switch its tilt or stop turning on its axis. The moon was still high in the night sky and water still ran out of the faucets. In short, the world did not suffer in any considerable way by my ignoring the laundry and dishes. They eventually got done and I was ablt to record my first "concert" on my cell phone and text it to my absentee husband.
I feel sad for my mother in law. She is very ill and there is little anyone can do for her except to make her comfortable. I feel even sadder for my father in law- her mate of nearly fifty years. FIFTY YEARS. Some of us can't even keep a friend for more than a few years yet they managed to stay married for half a century. That is an awesome thing. But, when she is gone, my seventy something father in law will suddenly be alone. After watching my mother lose her mate of forty two years last summer, I do not take lightly the loss that he will feel upon his wife's death. Most of all I feel sad for my husband. I know how it feels to lose a parent. I want to take the pain away and carry it for him but I know I can not. I love him and I know he has to follow the path himself. The best I can do is offer my love and support. Perhaps that is in part responsible for the empty, lonely feeling I am harboring this week.
In the past year I have lost my Dad, my close friend moved away and I have been preparing for the loss of my mother in law for quite some time now. It's been a tough go of it for all of us actually and I am ready for just a little break. I am sort of even looking forward to getting back to work so that my routine becomes so chock full again that I won't have time to think over such things.
When you are done reading this, get up from your computer and go and find your spouse or signifcant other. Tell them you love them. Tell them how much their presence in your life means to you and promise them that you value and appreciate them. You won't regret saying it but I know for a fact you will regret not saying it one day.
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