I'm On a Quest

     It was a hot August day in 1991.  I had just moved onto campus for my freshman year as a biology/premed major and met my room mate for the first time.  Her name was Wanda and she hailed from the Bronx.  Her idea of wall art included pictures torn from various issues of Playgirl magazine and she had spent her senior year of high school in a mental health facilitly after setting her boyfriend on fire for cheating on her.
    Small town girl meets the big city.
    In a very big way.
    To say I was frightened of Wanda was not exactly the truth. She didn't really scare me, I just had no idea what to make of her.
     She seemed to be mostly normal, she just had a few ...quirks.
    Many have said the same of Ted Bundy and he ended up murdering 33 women.
   (Hmmm.... I wonder what ever became of Wanda?)
   I knew though, within the first few minutes of meeting her that we were not ever going to be friends.  Fortunately, Wanda immediately found herself a fraternal organization full of like minded individuals and spent the majority of her time with them.  Of course, this left me alone a great deal of time.
    One afternoon, my second day of residence in a dorm, I was preparing to go and eat.  I have to admit I rather enjoyed dining halls.  Not because the food was anything special but because I really enjoyed all the options available to me.  A dining hall could be a lonely place though when you dont know anyone and had to sit alone.
     Well, as I stood in front of my mirror, fixing my large early 90's curls with a hair pick and a can of Aqua Net, a face appeared in the doorway.
     "Can I borrow your hairspray?  I just ran out."  The blonde with her own big hair shook an empty can of Rave to prove her point.
      It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
     Twenty years later, we live just a few miles from each other and she is like a sister to me.  When a recent traumatic event hit her family, I did my best to help her through it.  When my dad died, she flew to NY to be there with me .  We have held each other's babies in the hospital and collaborated on the trials of marriage and parenting. 
     Who would have ever imagined that the bonding powers of Aqua Net Hairspray would exceed the bounds of big hair?
     During my Girl Scout days we often sang a song:  "Make New Friends, But Keep the Old.  One is Silver and the Other is Gold." 
     In recent months I have been realizing that there is alot of silver and gold in my life. 
    I was never one to make friends easily.  Call it a self confidence issue or shyness or what ever you like but I have difficulty putting myself out there.  I can't imagine what I have to offer the world and the fear of rejection has always been hardwired in my brain.  So to sit back and realize just how many wonderful people there are in my life is somewhat awe inspiring.
    As I have walked the path of self discovery, I have tripped and fallen many times.  Where in the past I may have spent days or even weeks sprawled out in self pity, loathing myself and/or my life, I have found in recent years that those closest to me won't allow it.  Thank you for that.
    I entered into a period of depression in my senior year of high school that extended well into my college years.  Bulimia that I had experiemented with when I was in my teens became prevalent and I often entertained thoughts of suicide.  When I found myself contemplating driving my car into the front of a school bus, I knew it was time to get help.  It was that day that I sought counseling from our student assistance center and it was the best thing I ever could have done for myself.
    I guess when I think about it, my self exploration and quest for redemption began a long time ago.
    My husband is fond of saying that from the moment we are born, we begin to die.  It's just the cirlce of life he says.  I like to think that there is a little bit more to it than that.  Life is more like the quests of ancient warriors.  We set out on a path that has yet to be laid in search of knowledge, love and a better understanding of who we are.  Along the way we encounter bumps, road blocks and diversions but our goal always remains the same- to become who we were meant to be.
   When I look around at all the silver and gold in my life, when I tell my husband to be safe on his way to work and kiss my boys goodnight each evening, I find myself eternally grateful that my quest did not end at the front of a school bus.  I am learning to love myself a little bit at a time.  I have opened my heart and my mind to the world and I want to be a part of the quest of others.
    Life is fleeting.  It is a gift that I have learned to cherish rather than despise.  It saddens me that I spent so many years wishing my life- I- could be different.  I wake up each day now thankful to be alive and grateful for the people who care for me.